I originally wrote this story last December (2008). I decided to post it today as I was able to visit with one of the clients from this story last week and had a chance to catch up with the events in her life. As always, the names are fictional.
What amazes me most often about my job as a WIC Nutritionist is the number of women who want to share part of their life stories with me beyond the normal health and nutrition concerns of their families. I can’t count the number of times that I have been moved to tears by some of the stories I have heard. I often leave work at the end of the day praising God for allowing me to be a witness to his mercy and love in these women’s lives. Yet, I also often leave work questioning God and asking him “Why? Why is there so much suffering, so much hardship, so many women hardened by the difficulties of life that they don’t seem to care at all about anyone or anything except the pain they feel and how to escape it?”
Recently, I was witness to three stories, three lives, that all brought me to tears as I carried their pain in my heart and shared it with God.
Normally, when a client tells me that she uses drugs during pregnancy, my first reaction is anger. “How could you,” I think. My judgmental side immediately kicks in. I find that I usually do the minimum required by my job to educate her on the ill effects of drugs on the baby and herself. But, there was something about this particular client that just seemed different to me, and caused me to react, perhaps for the first time, with compassion towards a drug-user.
Lisa told me that she smoked marijuana all during the pregnancy for her 1-year-old daughter, and now she was pregnant again and was still using marijuana daily, at least four times a day. She didn’t say she regretted it. She didn’t say she wanted to quit. But I felt that in this case, maybe I really could help her change her ways, I felt that maybe, right now, she was ready to listen. Maybe the Holy Spirit was inspiring me, so I gave it my all. I told her that she was hurting her baby. I told her that she was making her life difficult for her children. I told her that she was making her life difficult for herself. She leaned in closer, like she was really listening, like she really cared. I gave her the usual handout with the list of drug-abuse hotlines. I told her she could call any of those numbers. I told her she could call a friend. I told her she could call me. I told her that I believed in her and I believed that she could stop smoking marijuana forever. I don’t know if my message really got through to her, and if it will really make a difference in her life. I’m sure I would be most amazed to answer my phone one day and find Lisa’s voice at the other end looking for additional support. But if she is able to finally stop using drugs whether from my influence or from some other source, I know that I will be one person cheering on the sidelines and thanking God for working his grace into her heart. I pray that God will give me the same level of compassion for all of my future clients who have the courage to share their struggles with drugs and alcohol with me.
Another client, Jillian, pulled at my heart in a completely different way. Jillian was 25 years old and had five children. Whenever I meet someone with five children, I immediately feel a connection to them, as I also have five children. Her oldest child was 14 years old, followed by a 12 year old and then a 7 year old who had special needs, and was going to be placed in special classes at school. Her 3-year-old daughter was an absolute angel who was extremely well behaved. Her baby, Jordan, was three months old and was born with a heart condition that required four open-heart surgeries in his little life. Jillian had not yet been able to take Jordan home from the hospital, but rather, made a daily trip to visit her son in the NICU. She expressed regret at not being able to pay as much attention to her other children as she was away from home so much to be with her baby. She was a single mother who was so grateful for the support and help that her mother and her church community provided to her. Like any loving mother, she carried a brag-book of baby pictures with her. Every picture of her son showed a little boy filled with cords and wires all over his precious little body. Her love for Jordan showed in the tender way she spoke of him “Isn’t he beautiful?” she asked. “Just look at those tiny feet!”
Then she told me about her best friend of the past 12 years who also had a baby recently. Her friend’s baby had also been very ill and was in the intensive care unit with Jordan. Then, with tears in her eyes, she told me that her friend’s baby had passed away, and the funeral was two days ago. The baby’s name was Miracle. She was an only child. That opened the floodgates, and my tears started falling. Jillian admitted that there were some days when she couldn’t stop crying, and other days, God gave her the strength to carry on with dry eyes. She said, “Jordan has to survive. He just has to! And I have to manage to put together some kind of Christmas for my other children. Somehow, everything has to come out ok.” I am so grateful to a local community service agency that provides toys to families in need, and I was able to forward her name to them, so that even in this small way, my client will feel cared for as she struggles to care for the precious lives that God has blessed her with.
How I wish that all of our clients could have this kind of love and concern for their children. The third client in my story left my heart cold, so cold that I felt an actual chill enter my office as I sat with her. Like Jillian, this client was also 25 years old. But, unlike Jillian, I couldn’t discern any great love in her heart for her children. Jessica had four living children, the youngest two were a four-year-old and a six-month-old baby who were with her during this visit. Jessica told me that she was currently pregnant. When I asked her about the number of her past pregnancies, she answered, “I don’t know. I’ve been pregnant ten or eleven times.” Wow! I asked her if she had 6 miscarriages, ready to feel my heart break with compassion again. “No,” she answered, “I had 6 abortions.” Six abortions! For the remainder of that session, I could barely look at her as I tried to fathom how anyone could submit themselves and the child they carried within to such a gruesome procedure. One abortion is a tragedy. Six abortions are unconscionable! Her most recent abortion was 4 months ago, two months after she had given birth, and now she was pregnant again! It was obvious that she was using abortion as a form of birth control, and it was obvious that she had no concern or respect for life whatsoever. My heart ached for the four children that she had chosen to give birth to. What kind of life were they having with a mother whose heart was so cold? And what had gone wrong in her life that made her feel abortion was an acceptable answer to her problems? The pain that I felt from this session remained with me for days! The guilt I feel in not knowing what to say, how to help her change, how to bring forth compassion in her own heart or in mine, will probably remain with me forever.
I love my job at the WIC clinic. I love that I am able to improve people’s lives. I love that other people are able to improve my life. But I don’t love being put in a position where I know that someone is living his or her life in such a morally unacceptable way, and yet there doesn’t seem to be anything that I can do to change it. So, I pray. I pray for strength, I pray for courage, I pray for compassion. But most of all, I pray for God’s love to enter every mother’s heart so they will be able to bear the pain that life brings with it in a positive and loving way. I pray for the day when young mothers won’t feel the need to turn to drugs or abortion to relieve their pain. I pray for the day when young fathers will feel called to support their families both financially and emotionally through the bonds of lifelong marriage. And finally, I pray that God will bless all families, whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, strong or weak, with his eternal love because all life is precious, worthy and holy in His eyes.
Follow up: Jillian came into the office again today. Her baby, Jordan, is now 10 months old and she is finally taking him home from the NICU. She needs to purchase a double stroller just so that she can carry all of his medical equipment. He isn’t able to drink from a bottle and will be fed through a g-tube while he waits for a kind soul to donate a heart, which will allow him to have the transplant he so desperately needs. Please keep Jillian and Jordan in your prayers.
